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One might say that Lindsay Lohan never really had much a career to speak of. That’s just rude!  Sure, she had her early tween phase films with the Freaky Friday remake, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, and her most popular film thus far, Mean Girls , but since then it hasn’t been very pretty. To be frank, she’s gone a little bat-shit crazy. She posed topless in New York Magazine under the pretense of art by reenacting a Marilyn Monroe photo-shoot (ok….). Played a stripper in the Razzie award winner, I Know Who Killed Me and was in a Herbie movie. (ok….) What happened here?

While she squandered away her career in drunken parties with Young Jeezy and being linked to getting hitched to her lesbian lover, her contemporaries like Anne Hathaway and Scarlett Johansson have become unequivocal (and critical) stars. Lindsay Lohan, is at least as talented as Johnansson, Hathaway and even Keira Knightly (who’s, let’s be honest, they’re all little overrated) so the big problem must be…choices. Both in her profession and her life. Allow me to help.

5 Things Lindsay Lohan Can do To Fix Her Career:

1. Stop being a retard. Lohan isn’t dumb. Here’s the issue: she seems dumb. Because of too many drunken parties, running into parked cars, repeated attempts to gain credibility by taking her top off, she’s become associated with the like of Paris Hilton. That’s a death trap and studios are not going to pick her up for juicy roles if the public has a negative impression of you. People get annoyed by you and become fodder for late night TV and bloggers (ahem). Stay out of the public eye for three years. Then pull a Ben Affleck/Fred Durst and direct something. Maybe an episode of iCarly

2. Keep your clothes on. Yeah, I expect to be a pariah amongst my hormone driven friends but it needs to be said. Lindsay Lohan is not going to be respected as an actress and (or) a woman if she continues to take off her clothes for dumb ass reasons. You like Marilyn Monroe? Cool, you don’t need to plop out your breasts to be like her (or maybe you do…) but it would seem to me that you’re well on your way to reach the same ending as her. Don’t confuse being a respected actress with being nekkid. Jennifer Love Hewitt on the other hand…go for it.

3. Guest star on TV shows. It worked for Britney Spears (sorta) so why not an actual actress? Hey, if it works out, perhaps you can have your own CBS drama or ABC comedy? I can picture it now: This summer, Lindsay Lohan is on NBC in Sterling. A hairdresser and her wacky drug addled friends move to Alabama and take up jobs shaving heads at the local prison. Hilarity ensues as Sterling falls in love with the warden (Joe Piscapo) while best friend Piper (Tori Spelling) tries to turn her wash basin into a slot machine. Or, when in doubt, doDancing with the Stars. Then Lindsay could host moronic reality shows for the next two years. (See Joey Fatone for details)

4. Don’t talk about politics. In fact, that goes for all celebs. (Unless it’s Ron Silver) When you talk politics, you piss off half the country and Lohan can’t afford it.

5. Act better. Well, this can be taken multiple ways but #1 already covered the personal stuff. Choose roles that have nothing to do with being a slut, drug addict, or all around “bad girl”. What may work for Bijou Philips will not work for you. Maybe take classes at the local “Free University”? Or, and this is a stretch, land a role in a Quentin Tarantino movie. Not as a stripper, though. Take notes from Rose McGowan and be some action gal with an edge. Who doesn’t love action girls with an edge?

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